


Wait For It

by TwentySeconds (LittleLivingLake)



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Gen, I Tried, Merlin has a sister, No Beta, greif, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 21:05:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10625118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleLivingLake/pseuds/TwentySeconds
Summary: Merlin gets a letter from his sister. It's pretty devastating for him. Everyone has to deal with the toll it's taking on him, but hopefully things will be okay. Right?Quick second warning: Mild mentions of suicide. It is also a key plot device.





	1. Greif

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first story I'm publishing on here, mostly because all of my other ones aren't exactly finished. I wrote this a couple of years ago and initially published it on my Quotev (thesinisstronginthisone) and Wattpad (BookwormWP) accounts. It's not my best work by far, but I want to share it.
> 
> There is a second part, but you don't really need to read it, especially if you didn't even like this first part. Though, it does tell a somewhat happy conclusion. Ish.
> 
> Any comments (including constructive criticism) and kudos are appreciated! Thanks for reading.
> 
> Also, last warning: There are mild mentions of suicide in this story. If this could, in any way, have a negative affect on you, please do not read. However, you are in control of your own actions, and this is the mildest mention ever, despit being a key plot device.

"Merlin,

We always used to share everything, didn't we? Twins, so very close. Yet you love your magic, and mine hurts me. You were always better, but I could never hate you for it, I feel no envy, no jealousy. I admire you. I am proud that you are better than me. Because we're twins. Brother and sister.

I never used my magic because it hurt. I never let it get out of control. But you didn't have the same control over yours, for it is more power than we could have ever imagined. You love to use it, but never learnt to control it. And that carelessness lead to Mother sending you off to Camelot.

Away from Ealdor.

Away from me.

We could no longer tell each other all of our emotions, everything that went wrong. You could no longer remind me of everything that was right.

I got a job, just as you did. We became too busy to write often. You saving the kingdom, me working with books and herbs, organising things, being a meaningless helper. You are brave, Merlin. And I am not.

I have not written to you in months, for I did not want to burden you with my troubles, when you already have the troubles of Albion on your shoulder. I thought I was being selfless, and in some ways I was. But I then realised that I was hurting others. For me not spilling out my troubles had caused me to cut off from everyone else. I became a very closed person, and I haven't been able to open up. I hate myself for this reason and many others.

It has been years since I have seen you, brother. I was away when you came to Ealdor. I never visited you when I went briefly into Camelot to pick up items for someone back home. For a while, I convinced myself that it was to because we were both busy. But I know that it was because I would have to say goodbye again, and I just couldn't do that.

It has been so long, you seem almost fictional now. A figment of a lonely girl's imagination.

However, when I was last in Camelot, I heard someone talking of a funny manservant called Merlin, and I wondered if I should just visit. See you once more.

But then I saw my reflection. I have tired eyes, dark rings and bags under them. My skin is pale and I am thin. My face is gaunt and my eyes are glassy.

I look ill. And, in some cases, I am.

I decided not to make you see what I have become and carried on my way.

That was last month, and the vision of my reflection has haunted me ever since. I am no longer able to think of happy memories with you, or consider a time when we will talk face to face once more. I see no future for myself, no happiness. I see only misery and hate. I have let my powers hurt me and I can only see them going wild and hurting others.

This letter has one purpose, brother. And I have stalled long enough, as my tears are making it hard to see what I write. I think I should tell you why I am writing to you after these months if silence.

This is goodbye, Merlin.

I have nothing left for me in this world that I won't end up destroying.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

~ Ciara"

After reading the letter, Merlin could not move. Ciara had been in Camelot. Ciara had shut everyone out. Ciara had been depressed. Ciara had let her magic hurt her. Ciara had been. Ciara was no more. Ciara - his twin sister - had killed herself.

He had been sitting there for about half an hour, in pure shock, when Arthur came stomping down the hallway.

"Merlin! I asked you to get my lunch an hour ago! What have you been doing?!"

"Sorry sire, I'll get it right now."

"That's more like it! You have five minutes."

~~~

Arthur knew something was off with his manservant. He was surprisingly submissive, letting Arthur say whatever. Never called him a prat. No retorts or anything. Just a quiet 'of course sire' and Merlin would continue staring at the floor.

"What is wrong with you?"

"Excuse me, sire?" Merlin replied, a faint expression of confusion forming on his face.

"You're very quiet and," he paused here, waving his hand around in a wild gesture, "un-Merlin. Plus, you've been sloppy all afternoon. Ever since you were late getting my lunch."

"Sorry sire, I received some bad news, that is all," Merlin answered, that same depressed look on his face. Arthur hoped that it wasn't about his mother; he had grown quite fond of Hunith during his time in Ealdor.

"What was it, may I ask?"

"My sister, Ciara... She... Uh... She took her life..."

Arthur stopped what he was doing, frozen on the spot. Merlin had mentioned his twin sister a few times, though Arthur had never met her. His manservant was very fond of her.

"Oh."

There was silence.

"You can have the evening and tomorrow off if you want."

"I doubt that anything will get done if I do. Plus, it's best to keep my mind off of it."

"Uh... Yes... Of course." Arthur cleared his throat awkwardly.

~~~

Over the few months after the funeral, Merlin returned to almost his old self, yet he still seemed to be missing the sparkle in his eyes, the spring in his step. Gwen had tried her best to cheer him up, but still hadn't managed to make him recover fully. Even Gaius was starting to get slightly worried.

It was, of course, usual for someone to mourn for a length of time. But Merlin had never been one to grieve for more than a couple of weeks. When his father died, it didn't take long for him to return to his normal state if brave optimism.

Naturally, it would take longer with Ciara, as she was his twin. But no one expected it to last this long.

And yet everyone knew they would just have to wait it out.


	2. It Does Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin writes back, and things start looking up.

"Ciara,

It's hard to accept that you're gone.

Mostly because I don't let myself think about it.

Over this past month I've kept myself busy and distracted from the subject that keeps trying to pop into my head on the many sleepless nights I have these days: you.

I sometimes feel that it's my fault. For letting us lose touch, for not making an effort to see you, but then I realise that this would've happened either way.

Because we've always had that darkness inside of us.

Magic isn't evil like Uther says, but it still carries a certain sense of darkness. A darkness that some would say Uther put there, but I know that isn't true. He merely fed an ancient monster.

Because magic, the sane thing that runs through my veins and used to run through yours, has always had a sense of hopelessness. It gives the knowledge that you won't be accepted by some who would be okay with you if you were normal.

Then Uther fed the beast. He made it so that magic was a death sentence. We were always filled with the sense of never truly being free. Never quite getting there. Never being able to not have to look before I made a horse out of the embers to cheer you up.

That was the darkness that you had and I still have.

I remember when I told you about the dark, twisted road my thoughts go down when it's too silent. I remember how you said that you had it too.

I remember how that was the first time we looked around and made a horse out of embers.

That's another thing I regret: I wasn't there to give you a horse of embers.

Just like how the last time I saw your face, heard your voice, touched your skin, was the day I left to live with Gaius. The day you said that you might join me someday.

You never did.

Remember that time when we messed with Lily and Sam? When I did the weird tricks with stuff to leave them paranoid and angry and the chased us into the woods? Remember how we were scared and happy and the adrenaline rush was so exhilarating that we couldn't wait to do it again?

And we never did.

I remember that time when you told me you couldn't breathe. How you said that it felt like you were drowning and you couldn't think straight and you couldn't stop crying and why were you shaking so much? I know how you felt now.

It usually happens late at night, when Gaius has long been asleep and the only ones awake are the guards and people like me who can't seem to find sleep anymore. In that silence when my mind doesn't take the bright path or the dark one, instead strolling off the path and falling into a river and then I can't breathe and nothing makes sense and did it always hurt this much for you?

I suppose it would've.

This is a note to say what I could be said to a dead person. A person who I regret leaving behind, but I don't think I could've said goodbye again either.

This is goodbye, Ciara.

I need to move on from your death, though I doubt that will ever truly happen.

I'm sorry.

I forgive you.

I love you too.

~ Merlin."

~~~

The first time it happened, Arthur was the one to see it.

The glint in Merlin's eyes, that is.

He didn't stop smiling for the rest of the day, unbelievably happy that Merlin was returning to his old self.

~~~

The second time, Gwen saw it. Arthur had told everyone about the glint, and she was looking for other signs.

So when she saw Merlin walking by, spring in his step just like he used to, she rushed off, telling everyone she saw that Merlin was getting happier again.

~~~

The third time, it was Gwaine.

He heard Merlin laughing and started to turn as he saw the manservant walk towards him, tears of laughter filling his eyes, the widest grin on his face.

After talking and laughing for a bit, Gwaine immediately went to tell everyone.

The waiting was done; Merlin was back.

~~~

But then it happened.

Or, should it be said, she happened.

Marianne, a serving girl, was talking to Merlin and made the comment.

"You know, Merlin, you should really try to stop being so clumsy."

It was so offhanded, no intention of offence or hurt. Merlin laughed along with her, pretending that he wasn't affected at all by her comment.

But everyone noticed how much more careful he seemed to act from then on, and no one knew why. Not even Marianne could piece it together.

And it just kept on happening.

And Arthur wondered if Ciara's death had maybe done something to Merlin.


End file.
